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 The sky turns black and the oceans run red. The time of darkness and misery has grasped the land like a iron claw. Mountains crumble and glaciers melt. What is the cause of such commotion? Is it the apocalypse, is it the four horsemen prophesied so many years ago? No it is the return of the enigma, the psychotic madman, the Ayatollah of Columnollah himself. The prophecies are all true, he has come to save us all from the mundane existance we are slave to. So prepare yourself, his time is now, all you can do is hope and pray that you are enlightened by the man, the myth, the legend. Who is this mythical man you ask, he is I and I is he, and who is that, well that R-O-Double B. Well this might be a surprise posting for many people seeing as I haven't posted back to back since sometime at the end of summer in 2000. However here I am once again. I am back full strength and ready to take my place back at the top of the heap of crap that has formed. Since I have been out of action I had decided to once again give some other columnists a read. Sure there were a few I really liked, so I hired them to write for Raw Attitude, but on the whole, the quality of writing out there totally blows. Not only that but no one has any balls anymore. I remember when I started writing I used a heel persona and that was virtually unheard of. Now everyone tries it and fails miserably. It's very sad to see and hard to read bt have no fear because I am here. Anyways enough pity for the poor columnists I am going to crush beneath my boot. I am the Eminem of wreslting columnists, now onto the freak show I like to call...Robb is WAR! Before I start I'd like to offer an invitation to all to visit the most hardcore, underground wrestling site ever, Raw Attitude. So go to http://rawattitude.cjb.net for exclusive columns, interviews with superstars (including Steve Corino), news, and a bunch of interactive features. Does anyone besides me notice the outrageous level of racism present in wrestling? I mean aren't there some people out there that recognize the apparent racism in gimmicks like Kaentai, Latino Heat or Lo Down. It is astounding what promotions can get away with these days. Well I guess it isn't just these days. The WWF is the most blatant example, they have been getting away with overt racism since the day of The Islanders. These jolly Samoans were portrayed as a roaming band of foul smelling, banana eating, bad guys. Then along came the Nation of Domination which must have made Malcolm X roll over in his grave. Now we have Kaentai a team of tremendous athletes who pretend to be starring in their own personal Godzilla movie. By the way this gimmick is a blatant rip-off of La Parka's gimmick when he used to come out and say "One for me and one for all my homies". Latino Heat would have us believe that all Mexicans drive low riders and don't have a high school education, remember when Eddy got his G.E.D.? Worst of all is Lo Down which portrays a rich Indian culture as silly and just plain ridiculous. The biggest abomination is that all these stereotypical teams are heel. It is like the only thing wrestlers have to do to be heels is be foreigners. The WWF is playing off the fears and subtle racism of Americans. How many of us can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have never mocked someone because of their accent or nationality. It isn't right and shouldn't be tolerated on an individual basis, but it is only more insulting on a Corporate basis. So in keeping with WWF tradition I have decided to lend my entensive knowledge to them and give them an angle that they can use on their broadcast. You have two stables, one composed of Essa Rios, Lo Down, Kaentai, and Eddy Guerrero and they are called Los Illegales. The second stable consists of the members of RTC but they will now be known as I.N.S. or the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Wouldn't that be fun to see the I.N.S. beat the hell out of the evil foreigners. I am being purely sarcastic but I bet someone in Connecticut is finding this to be pure genius. Something that annoys me more than most things that annoy me is wrestlers talking in the third person, such as "Stone Cold says so" or "The Rock says" or "I am Vince McMahon and I suck". I don't blame the growth of the use of thrid person speech on the WWF alone. It is sports stars in general. I remember watching a Dallas Cowboys game and Deion Sanders was being interviewed after the game and he said something like "God gave Deion Sanders the gift of being a great football player". I understand the old coaching attage of there is "No 'I' in Team" but isn't talking about yourself in the third person the same thing? So now it is 2001 and every wrestler talks about themselves like they are not really that person, like they are just someone who is watching everything from afar. I sort of understand that wrestlers are characters and in interviews they talk about their characters like a movie star would talk about their character in their movie. However, when every wrestler is in the ring talking about themselves like it was you are me talking about someone else it is really annoying. It is okay for the innovators of thrid person in wrestling like Austin or Rocky. Without third person their gimmicks and catch phrases would suffer. "And that's the bottom line cuz I said so", see what I mean? However when Al Snow is talking about himself in the third person it is just plain sad. And that's the end of this segment because The Robb wants it to be... I must be some kind of prophet or just have good sense because I am noticing a trend in which people are noticing that the WWF is slipping and sliding lately. Now the ratings aren't really changing but like I have said before ratings mean about as much to me as a Hulk Hogan comeback, jack sh*t. When I started watching wrestling after a few years off I used to flip channels between Nitro and Raw but now I watch Nitro and tape Raw because Raw was usually better. No I think WCW has some momentum and the WWF is just stalled on the tracks. It is no longer a great Monday night for the Titan Towers boys it has become the Raw of Averages. There isn't even one central problem, it is the overall concept that is bad. They seriously need some new writers, the writing is nowhere near as good as when Vince Russo I don't give a flying f*ck what that blimp JR says. The title doesn't even matter anymore, Kurt Angle is a terrible champ but due to no fault of his own. Kurt was set up to fail when Stone Cold returned. They made Stone Cold the centerpiece of the show while Angle is stuck in a feud with The Rock which has very little basis or foundation. Meanwhile guys who were in the title picture like Kane and Taker are now a tag team. The only thing that matters in the WWF is Stone Cold, the worst part is that 9 times out of 10 he comes out on top, this is not only becoming predictable but it is boring the hell out of me. This is not to say that everything is coming up roses in WCW. Everyone knows about the sale of WCW and everyone has their own morbid sense of dread for what is to come. Will Bitch-off stink up WCW again like he always has done? Will Hogan and his dayglo orange tan and reflective head be back? These are the questions that concern every WCW fan. Right now WCW is just trying to put on some good shows without creating too many complex long-running angles because when Bitch-off is back in charge all the angles will most likely be scrapped. For a promotion in upheavel WCW is doing quite well. Steiner is the best champ I have seen in awhile, not to say Booker T wasn't a great champ. The angle with Flair is great because Flair can cut a great promo and best of all he isn't wrestling. However all that is going right for WCW may be dashed when Bitch-off and his roaming army of past-their-prime superstars rolls back into town. Well at least the cruiserweight division will still be there and with the supposed additions of Kid Kash and Steve Corino, WCW may just hang in there. Did Raw contain the most offensive material in a wrestling show ever or is it just my imagination? Now before I begin ranting let me say that it takes a few nude decapitations with a spoon before I am offended but I do understand that their are children and old people with tricky tickers and active morals watching so I am speaking for them. In two hours of Raw we were treated to three really offensive situations... 1) RTC taking over a strip club where The Kat was about to perform a girl / girl strip act. Offensiveness to Children : 10, no way kids should see that Offensiveness to Seniors : 7, there are still horny old people Offensiveness to The Robb : 0, keep the scantilly clad women coming 2) Triple H mouthing "F*ck you" at the end of Raw. Offensiveness to Children: 5, an elementary school kid told my friend the same thing the other day. With the proliferation of language in music and movies and the decay of actual parenting foul language is at an all time high with yougsters. Offensiveness to Adults : 7, although most adults have probably heard and said that word hundreds of times it still offends a lot of people to see it used on basic cable. Offensiveness to The Robb : 0, check out my column or have a casual conversation with me, it doesn't bother me, however I do restrain myself in front of adults and children. 3) Raven and Crash having a hardcore match and splashing around in a septic spillage area. Offensiveness to Children : 5, probably thought it was funny, gross or just thought it was dirty water. Offensiveness to Adults : 9, most were probably shocked and grossed out. Offensiveness to The Robb : 5, although it was nowhere as severe as a nude decapitation with a spoon, I really don't want to see two grown men playing in sh*t. News Flash : I will now reveal exactly who the mystery women ninja who keeps assisting Raven is. It may come as a big shock but it isn't a woman after all. The perpetrator is actually a returning Mark Henry. Good disguise there Mark. I heard two of the funniest thing sI have ever heard this week so I will share them with you... "For Christmas I got Christian a spaghetti strainer, I didn't burn his face so he had to wear a hideous mask for the rest of his life" Edge on RAW "What does Hannibal Lecter do while watching the XFL?" "That's a trick question, no one watches the XFL." Jay Leno In keeping with my proclamation of being a psychic I must admit I am more mystical than even that fake ass Cleo woman. I alone predicted the utter failure of the XFL. Reports are coming in that Vinnie Crack is considering pulling the plug on the ailing league after just a few games. I would love to see the XFL keep going because I want to see just how bad the ratings can be, can you actually get a negative number as a rating? I hate to be the one who rubs salt in the wound but when I said last year that the XFL was a "Surefire flop" I recieved a bunch of mail saying that the XFL was going to kick ass. I am guessing that not even those people are still watching and if they are they must be the 5 that actually do watch. It's funny to see wrestlers actually promote the league on Raw and Smackdown, like that is going to help. I wonder what the problem with the league is. What do you think, is it the Saving Private Ryan cameras, the potential of the players, the announcing? Well if you are so inclined you can go to Raw Attitude (http://rawattitude.cjb.net) and vote on that very subject on the main page. Is it just me or is Matt Hardy the luckiest man in the world? First off he has Jeff as his brother and is able to to get over with fans even though he has no real talent. Secondly he is actually dating Lita and now has an on-air relationship with the tremendously over and not-to-mention beautiful star. This will really help elevate Matt Hardy to astonishing levels especially if The Hardyz break up. He must have really been a great guy in his last life to get the treatment he is getting now, I know it isn't because of his talent (because he has none, get it?). I chalk it up to another reason, obviously if the Hardyz break up as is so rumored the first feud will be between Matt and Jeff. No pitting these two against each other with no Lita to be fought over creates a huge swell of approval for Jeff because people recognize that he is the star of the team. Having Lita aligned with Matt evens out the fan response for the two because people will be cheering for Lita and by default cheering Matt Hardly Talented. It is a good strategy to get him over especially as a face with Jeff as a heel because Jeff can back up his talent while Matt needs a crutch to stand on with the absence of his brother. Well Sunday is No Way Out and I am here to give you my Quik Predix for this next WWF spectacular. If this PPV has already passed by the time you are reading this you can just read on to see how well I did with my predictions. 2 out of 3 Falls Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Triple H - Each match in this PPV has a reason not to order this PPV and no match illustrates the argument to forego this PPV like this match or should I say matches. 2 out of 3 falls is an ambitious endeavor to begin with and it becomes even more of a liability when you involve one guy that only has like 3 moves and can't take a variety of moves because of injury, I guess you figured out I was talking about Stone Cold. I think this is a really bad idea to have 3 matches involving the Rattlesnake. Yes, I do mean 3 matches, does anyone doubt that it will end up in that cage? I understand people hunger to see The Rattlesnake but all you really have tolook forward to is 3 brawls with a few rest holds, suplexes, and a finisher in between. Triple H is capable of putting on a good match but Austin is past his prime and hasn't had an exciting arsenal of moves since his early WWF days. Though it is not his fault (the bothched piledriver by the late and great Owen Hart cost him greatly) it isn't something that can be overlooked. Everyne thinks Hogan sucks because he only has 3 moves, but that is because of age, is age really a better reason to bash someone than injury? Anyways I have very low hopes for this match, in fact I will no be watching this PPV at all. In my opinion it doesn't matter how this match ends because when it is all over Austin will be put on top anyways. As for this PPV event I give this match to Stone Cold unless the WWF pulls the wool over our eyes and elevates HHH only to have him job to Austin on Raw or later on. World Wrestling Federation Championship Kurt Angle vs. The Rock - It is sad to see the WWF championship contested between two able competitors be secondary to a gimmick match but that is the way things go in the WWF. This could be a good match because the two have had some "slobberknockers" in the past but because the WWF is going to elevate Rock to that Wrestlemania berth anyways no one really cares about the title. One way or another Wrestlemania 17 will be Rock vs. Austin with the title on the line. I think the WWF should go another direction and have Rock lose this match and have Austin win the strap on RAW. That way Rock could defeat Angle later on for the number one contenders slot and go to Wrestlemania. Everyone is expecting Rock to go in as the champ and no one has proposed this scenario so it is a Robb original. However my faith in the WWF is about as much as I have in a blind archer, I may say I'll stand there nice and still but as he gets ready to fire I am moving. I think the WWF will take the cop-out and put Rock over at No Way Out or on the ensuing Raw. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley vs. Trish Stratus - Does this really belong on a PPV? Steph can't wrestle to save her life and Trish isn't much better. Sure the T & A O'meter will be on full tilt but this is a Sunday Night Heat match. If the WWF wants a women's match on PPV they should go with Ivory / Lita or bring back Tori to battle Lita. The winner of this match will most likely be...ahhh who cares? Tag Team Championship Table Match Dudley Boyz vs. Edge & Christian vs. Kane & Undertaker - This one may actually be worth the hype but not good enough to warrant paying 30 beans for a PPV. I don't see how The Dudley's can lose this match but I think they most likely will. The Dudley's have not made much of a splash as tag champs because they were opposed to the most over team ever in Taker and Kane. Edge and Christian are one of my favorite teams and I think after this match is over they will be feuding with the Dudleyz once again. I also have a feeling that Kane and Taker will face each other at Wrestlemania so I don't look for them to get the belts. So eliminating that team and the Dudleyz I am going to say that Edge and Christian will take the belts into Wrestlemania and face the Dudleyz in a TLC match. Intercontinental Championship Chris Jericho vs. X-Pac vs. Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero - I like the prospects for this match but they would have been better with Justin Credible officially involved, although I think he will most likely run-in. I'd like to see Benoit win this match and then maybe leave the Radicalz and become a face. I don't think Jericho has a shot in hell until he becomes a heel. X-Pac should be going after the European belt and Eddy should be right there with him. Hardcore Championship Raven vs. Big Show - Who thought this one up? What was the whole point of Big Show screwing The Rock out of the Royal Rumble? The Rock and Show didn't even renew their old feud so are we to believe The Rock just forgives and forgets or the WWF figured they had another loser of a feud and better drop it soon? Putting the Show in the Hardcore division must be an insult for that behemoth who was brought in as an unstoppable monster. I don't have too many feelings about this match because I think the Hardcore belt is crap to begin with. Raven is being wasted along with every other "Hardcore" wrestler. In the end I think Raven will somehow retain and once again we will be denied a good look at Mark Henry under that ninja outfit. Jerry Lawler vs. Steven Richards - And the main reason I will be watching Touched By An Angel isntead of No Way Out this weekend is this piece of crap. First off I don't want to see Lawler wrestling. When he first wrestled Tazz on a Smackdown I was excited to have him back for one night, but now in the last year he has wrestled on more PPV's than Tazz and Essa Rios combined. That is just damn sad. I think it is dumb that Lawler is selectively heel also, he cheers for Triple H but hates RTC. I yearn for the days that he was a pure heel commentator. In this match I see a heel turn from The Kat costing Lawler the match. Now it is time for a few mad ramblings from the mind of the madman himself, me. Jeff Jarrett's impersonation of the American Dream Dusty Rhodes was not only dead on but downright hilarious. Kudos to the announce team for not busting up laughing during that promo, I know I was. I can't believe I just used the word "kudos" and I gave props to the WCW announce team. Damn, I'm slippin. When was the last good test of strength? Remember when two guys would lock hands and play mercy? Shane Douglas had a great promo on Nitro where he talked about his deep hatred for Ric Flair. The thing that made this so great is that what he is saying is most likely not a total shoot but it is rooted in reality. During Douglas' tenure in ECW Teh Franchise cut some of the most controversial promos at Flair's expense. Another first by yours truly, last week I stated that I thought Hawk of L.O.D. would be entering WCW soon and the newest rumor is that Bitch-off is planning on signing Hawk as soon as the company is his. The crusierweight division in WCW is starting to gain some momentum and that can only be aided by the Cruiserweight Tag Team Tournament starting up this week. I am in favor on the division and I think they usually steal the PPV's so might as well give them a bigger spotlight and reason to fight. Someone stop Big Show from using his "Final Cut" or Shane Helm's "Nightmare on Helm's Street". Matt Hardy is still riding his brother's jock. Hulk Hogan is still old and should remain retired Meng sucks no matter what federation he is in. ECW still kicks ass, it sucks what is happening to the best organization in the world today. And now it is time for The Robb's Soundtrack for this week where I let you in on what I am listening to while I pound out another sterling column. This week's rap selection is from Trick Daddy and the SNS Express. It is cool to see someone finally represent Miami correctly. The beat is pretty cool and it's funny to hear someone call out 305 (Miami's area code) in a song. Even though I am no fan of this hellhole in which I happen to reside I am glad to say that rap fans should pick up a copy of Trick Daddy's "Thugs Are Us" when it drops next month. This month's rock song is Crooked Jimmy's "Short of Wonderful" and Coldplay's "Yellow". I am really a rock novice so I have no bands that I can really reference to Crooked Jimmy's sound but I'd say it is most like a Foo Fighter's track. "Yellow" by Coldplay is the kind of song that grows on you, I hated it at first but now I listen to it at least once a day. It isn't your prototypical rock song but that is what makes it good. Finally it is time for the most innovative, most original column feature in column history. It is time for Drop The Mic brought to you as always by your friends at Hooked on Phonics. This week's winner of the Drop the Mic award who should meet Hannibal Lecter in a back alley and have their tongues bitten off are... 1) Stephanie McMahon - I should rename this the Steph Drop The Mic Awards. She has recieved this award 5,935 times and I have only written like 50 columns. I don't know where to start complaining about her lack of mic skills. Maybe it is her pathetic acting or it could be her voice or it could be her stupid facial expressions, or it could just be in her genes. 2) Jim Ross - This fat cowboy thinks that he holds the monopoly on opinions. He has recently lashed out on columnists who would dare print a negative opinion about the WWF and XFL. Well screw him and his opinions, I happen to think he has about the talent of a genital wart. He should feel flattered that people even bother to write opinions on the WWF to begin with. Even if we columnists write a dissenting opinion we are still promoting wrestling and the majority of us do it for free. So go unstick your face and f*ck off. 3) Lance Storm - It isn't as much as what he says in character but what he wrote in a recent commentary on his website. He blasted ECW talent for being unprofessional and basically not paying their dues. Storm would be nowhere without ECW and even if what he says is true he shouldn't kick the promotion that made him when they are down. Well that is all the rage and sarcasm I can muster for one week. I hope you enjoyed this column and you visit Raw Attitude. If you don't visit Raw Attitude (http://rawattitude.cjb.net) I will climb up your phone line and beat the sh*t out of you and decapitate you with a spoon while nude. Farewell to all my Robbaholics, I shall return next week with an all new Robb is WAR. "That's all for this week, The Robb is back and at his peek. So all of you be good and I'll be back so best knock on wood. I am forever and will always be, it's me, it's me, that R-O-Double B". |