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Life's Progress Report
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They say "if you don't use it, you lose it". If that isn't true I don't know what is. It's been a few months since I have written anything longer than an email. I will freely admit this column is just a vain attempt to exercise the atrophying muscle that is my brain. However it's not like I am purposefully trying to be entertaining, it' just really difficult all the sudden. So this may be scattershot, may be incomprehensible, but fuck it, at least I am trying.
So what do I do to stretch my writing muscles? I thought of doing one of those lovely, easy to write iPod Shuffle articles, but no one seems to care about that. Actually no one seems to care about anything I have to say lately. I guess that comes with the territory I occupy. In the last few years I have become increasingly aware and sadly comfortable (or complacent) with being an underachiever. It's not a fun place to be but it is what it is. That doesn't mean I have given up trying to do something, it's just that even being a blip on life's radar is overwhelmingly elusive.
I guess everything can be traced back to childhood. That's probably true with anyone's problems though. If you look for it, you can find an excuse for everything in the follies of your youth. How many times do you hear some psycho-killer refer to his mother as a reason? It seems like "mommy" and "daddy" are to blame for everything. I guess I could make the same case, I guess I could say I was coddled as a child but that doesn't explain my current predicament.
Parentage doesn't excuse who we become as adults, at least not in my mind. So is it tragedy of life experience? Does all the pain and anguish we have lived through haunt us? Is my failure due to some kind of survivor remorse? Could be, I've seen a lot of shit in my life. If you look closely I am sure everyone has. Even if you haven't been witness to rampant death and disease you have been through you own personal hell. Everyone has their own demons whether it be the divorce of your parents or just not getting the best Christmas gifts.
My point is life is fucking tough and a complete fucking mystery to me. I still haven't learned how to successfully traverse it without falling repeatedly on my face. To make matters worse I seem to make the wrong decisions every time I faced with one. I make what I consider to be the right one but it always seems to impact me negatively. Add that to the slacker, pessimist and general melancholy person inside me and that's a dangerous combination. I am never happy with myself and thusly I am my own worst critic making me either try too hard and nearly give myself an ulcer or not want to try at all.
It's not like I am completely devoid of merit. I am technically a "genius", my IQ says I am but I never felt like that entitled me to anything. My lack of confidence has made me down-to-Earth. I care more for others than myself, this is often to my own detriment but has made me a good friend to have. Unfortunately while being concerned with being everyone's best friend I am my own worst enemy. I also know deep down I have potential, I am just so haunted by this underachiever mindset that it slows my progress to a crawl.
That line between potential and progress is a difficult one to walk. As a child I knew I could be anything, I could rule the known world. As an adult I know I am going to have to settle. Part of my doesn't want to, part of me wants to dream. However the 30 year old part of my brain accepts reality and the facts. I am not a kid anymore, my window to achieve my dreams is closing. I am not dead yet but the countdown is something to be keenly aware of, the shot clock on my good years is winding down. The folly of youth is something I must leave in it's place and embrace the responsibility that comes with age.
So what do I do? School has become a brass ring that is fast becoming unreachable. Despite working my ass off for it, problems beyond my control have thrown up so many roadblocks that it seems unattainable. Work is intrinsically tied into school at this point and no one is really clamoring to hire a guy with only an AA. I have a good resume but unfortunately the economy doesn't allow me the opportunity to work at someplace that will take advantage of me being anymore than a warm body. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am probably going to work for the next 40 years doing something I can barely tolerate. That's life right? If it is what is the point?
Why live at all? Potential, not only of self but for others. Life may trip us up, disappoint us and kill us slowly, eating us away from the core but the capacity to achieve is always there. Part of the reason I live is for myself and part for the people I care for. I know it shouldn't be that way but like I said "it is what it is". Life may suck at times but the potential for happiness looms large on every dark cloud.
So what is this column about? I am trying to preach? Am I trying to help? Am I trying to heal myself? I don't know, it's an exercise and an exorcism. It's something I felt like doing, it's something honest and something I haven't done before. I guess this is sort of like life; it's confusing but somehow makes sense if you just go with it.
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11 Nov 2008 by Robb
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3 comments
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| by thefranchise @ 11 Nov 2008 03:37 pm |
I agree life is very tough, but hang in there. Im sure everyone has already told you this millions of times, but its the truth. Im not going to sit here and tell you to think positive though because I myself have to work on that, however from the few years I have already got to know you and from every single writing I have read of yours I do believe you have all the potential to do anything you want in life. Whether that be writing a book or coming up with an invention that will make you lots of money....its all up to you. The only thing I could say is to try and take one day at a time. If you start to question how old you're getting before you get something you want done your mind will be all fucked up. Remember Im older then you and I will be the first to admit Im a "late developer". But you know what? Fuck it, better late then never I say.  |
| by camilo @ 12 Nov 2008 10:41 am |
I echo a lot of what you wrote.
You know, when seeing old friends, I dread 2 questions. "you still work here"?, and "what's new"? The answers are always the same. But it always reminds me that i'm stuck.
But eh.. |
| by Robb @ 12 Nov 2008 01:50 pm |
It's kinda messed up because I don't really know anyone who is thrilled with their lives. I guess that is part of our instinct to keep trying to better ourselves but it seems more likely that there is this lack of opportunity and contentment. Maybe it's the world today maybe it's an evolutionary flaw.
Thanks for you encouragement Manny, it's thoughts like that which keep me going despite them being very fleeting in my own mind.
Camilo, I avoid those questions as much as possible but it sucks when you get caught. |
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