Well everyone the Oscars are upon us or as I call them "The show for which a bunch of motherfuckers that are totally disconnected from the pulse of society vote with no specific guidelines that will end up disappointing most fans and puzzling most other critics who are just another group of motherfuckers who just think that their opinion is a monopoly". So anyways I think you can tell that I hate the fucking Oscars and most other award shows, I think they are overblown bullshit. Just because a movie is up for or even wins a coveted Oscar that is supposed to mean that it is a good movie? Ummm how about no. I saw "Shakespeare in Love" I loathed it, I thought it sucked balls, but it beat out a movie I loved ("Saving Private Ryan") for the Best Picture in 1999. Does that mean that "Shakespeare in Love" was actually a better movie? Well to some yes and to others (like actual rational people) no. All the Oscars are are the majority opinions of a bunch of stupid fuckin' critics.

Did you ever wonder exactly who votes for the Oscars? Well I have the answer, the members of the esteemed Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which is actually a group of 5,816 schmucks. Do they list their members or at least the highlights, the big names, of course not. They are given the vague description of "the most gifted and skilled artists and craftsmen in the motion picture world". So who exactly are we talking about here, I am sure there are not over 5,000 people in Hollywood that are gifted. Maybe really special, but obviously not gifted, if there were that many smart people in Hollywood would Carrot Top ever had the opportunity to make a movie? Anyways the members of the Academy have some special perks which according to http://oscar.org are "special screenings for Academy members, free admission to commercial runs of a film and the mailing of video cassettes". Yes, this is exactly the group of people that should be judging the cream of the crop of cinema for the entire fucking world, a bunch of prissy fucks who never have to wait in line, watch a flick in a shitty poorly air conditioned theater or deal with the asshole guy in back of you that keeps kicking your fucking seat or the bitch in front of you that won't shut the fuck up. I know each one of you reading this has had one of those experiences or more than likely those things happen every fucking time you go to the movies and you actually have to pay for that.

When it boils down to it the Oscars are just a bunch of old white fucks "Best of" lists and their opinions shouldn't matter any more than say mine. Why should I think that since those assjacks are members of the prestigious Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science that they know what they fuck they are talking about? Shit I have as much of a right to my opinion as them and my opinion as well as any other moviegoer's opinions should be weighed in as well. In fact amateur movie reviewers opinions should have more weight because we actually PAY to see these movies as opposed to the members of the Academy which don't have to. The Oscars are corrupt as hell, studios lobby to have their films nominated and are allowed to do so even though this the voting practically turns into a contest for whoever sends the prettiest whores to the voters. Anyways all rage aside I decided to forgo the farcical bullshit of the Oscars and present my own award show, hosted by me, voted on by me and totally without prejudice. In fact I only received one whore from Miramax and she wasn't even that hot so they get no special treatement at all. So without further adieu I present to y'all sumbitches The Voidian Awards for the Excellence in Flickdom for 2000 and Motherfuckin' 3 !!!!

Hey everyone I'm Robb, Webmaster of "The Void" and all around movie freak, I will be your host this evening and will be presenting all the awards and in place of hearing some ham-handed self-serving bullshit acceptance speeches about how God gave the winners the power to defeat all comers or how we should free Tibet I will be commentating on them. I am sorry we couldn't get a big-time host like Billy Crystal but honestly do you really want to see him anyways, c'mon be honest. So you are stuck with me for the next well, however long it takes you to read this piece of shit. So let's get this fucker going, see isn't this already much more fun that the Oscars, you can't say "fuck" on TV but you sure as fuck can say "fuck" it here at The Void...

Our first category is the Worst Product Tie-In award for 2003, this award should be pretty self-explanatory, the winner is Matrix Powerade Now I don't know how piss tastes but I would hazard a guess that it tastes like "Matrix Powerade".

Our second award, the Most Annoying Web-based Ad for a Movie goes to Jeepers Creepers 2 Not only did this ad appear on what seemed like every fucking webpage ever it was on the web three years before the movie was released and is still there to this day. You know what I saw the movie, it was pretty fucking decent but I don't need a constant reminder of it every time I go to jack off, I mean uhhh check my mail. So moving on....

Our next category is the Biggest Surprise of 2003 award. Movies are judged on how bad they should have been but how good they actually came out. And the winner is, Ooooh I am so nervous, I can't get this fucking envelope open, Dammit someone get me a pair of pliers. The winner is.....The Pirates of the Caribbean - Beyond a shadow of a doubt this movie wins this award, there is no way this movie should have been this good. Why? Well it's based on a theme park attraction folks, a fucking Disney ride, pleeeeease! However in the end I was happy that my lack of a life allowed me the free time to see this flick. God I am so lonely, kill me please...umm yeah...

Our next award is the Biggest Disappointment award, this luscious beauty goes to the movie that we should have all gotten a refund for, and the winner is...Matrix Revolutions There is no way this movie should have been this bad. It is so hard to fuck up so bad that you basically taint the whole series. All they had to do was end it just well enough to make people happy but they tried too hard to preach and make themselves happy and they fucked up. What a God awful piece of shit. They definitely deserve this one.

The Best Sequel of 2003 is given to the Best Sequel of 2003 duh!!! The winner is...X-Men 2 I would have given this award to the "Lord of the Rings : Return of the King" but I don't really see those movies as sequels but as complementary pieces of a story. X2 was a wonderful continuation to the X-Men movie mythology and delivered a layered story and some great action. The MVP here had to be Alan Cumming as "Nightcrawler" who for those familiar with the book leapt right off the page. Here's hoping that Director Bryan Singer will return for a third go with the Marvel-ous franchise. That shit was really lame, sorry.

And of course where there is greatness there is shit, and this year's recipient of the Worst Sequel of 2003 award is, what a shock...Matrix Revolutions This movie receives this award just for being able to totally degrade and fuck the entire "Matrix" franchise in the ass, with no lubricant at all. I mean this movie sucked in about 10 different ways and just was a terrible way to end what could have been a trilogy to rival the original "Star Wars" movies or the "Indiana Jones" series. Instead the filmmakers seemed to go the route of the worst possible ending ever and screwed the pooch. The should have just left the original "Matrix" stand alone. On behalf of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Shit I would like to say "Fuck you Wachowski's".

A new award here for 2003 is the Too Much Hype award which is given to a film that pumped me up to see it but ultimately made me feel like I had been manipulated, the winner is...Kill Bill : Volume 1 Don't get me wrong I did enjoy this movie but not as much as I had intended to going into it. From all the marketing and the fact that everyone's lines up to pray at the shrine of Quentin Tarantino had me thinking this movie was going to rock harder than Pantera (shout out to Camilo or as I say Cuh-Mill-Oh) but ended up rocking about as much as ummm, Norah Jones.

And now the award for the Hype is Right On award which is bestowed upon the film which lived up to it's massive hype campaign, the winner is The Last Samurai I am not a fan of Tom Cruise, I don't understand the hype behind him, he is not really a good looking chap (not like I judge guys or anything) in my opinion and hasn't done the best movies ever but I really enjoyed this movie and him in it. Great movie despite the fact I really wasn't really looking forward to seeing it because of the year long hype campaign figured to be a let down. I was wrong and I am man enough to admit it and I am man enough to say that Tom Cruise is not an attractive man, but that Paul Walker, he is one sexy ummmm....joking ha ha, see joking....

Now to start doling out the first round of individual awards this years Female Breakout Star resulted in a TIE between Eva Mendes and Keira Knightley. Eva Mendes wins for her roles in the critically acclaimed (riiiiiiiight) movies such as "2 Fast 2 Furious, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Out of Time and Stuck on You". Ms. Mendes really knows how to come swinging out of obscurity by appearing in every movie you can possibly get in and having a really nice ass. See I'm not gay. I feel I must have runners up for this category and they are Monica Belluci for her role as the chick with huge breasts from "Matrix Revolutions" and Hillary Duff for being the object of lust for child molesters everywhere.

The young and beautiful Ms. Knightley won critical acclaim for her role in "Bend it like Beckham" and won commercial acclaim and our hearts (awwwww) for her role as Elizabeth Swann in "Pirates of the Caribbean". Who would have thought a 17 year old unknown from England would win our hearts and movie dollars? The future looks sterling for young Ms. Knightley who has 4 major motion pictures on the horizon including a sequel to "PIrates" which should net her some big bucks and a dedicated yet horny following of young men. Good show m'lady.

And our winner for Male Breakout Star of 2003 is none other than Orlando Bloom who had the fortune to be cast as badass archer Legolas in the LOTR trilogy and then stumbled upon star status by taking the role of Will Turner in "Pirates of the Caribbean". On the horizon for the young Brit actor is a costarring role with Brad Pitt in the epic "Troy", a return to the Turner character in the sure-to-be-a-hit "Pirates of the Caribbean 2" and 4 other movies coming to a theater near you in the next couple years. Our runner-up for the award was The Rock who now is the second most famous and handsome Miamian besides me.

Now for another Voidian Awards original category our Best DVD of 2003 award and the trophy goes to, Holy fuckbeans it's a TIE between the Lord of the Rings : The Two Towers Extended Edition and the Indiana Jones Trilogy Box Set. Definitely impossible to pick a winner here folks I sat locked in a small room without food or water being beaten mercilessly by a huge woman named Helga with a belt trying to decide but in the end it was futile, I could not decide which DVD was more worthy of your coin. The LOTR DVD is once again a spectacular find, a great cut of the movie with almost 45 minutes of added footage cut from the theatrical version and well over 9 hours of supplemental material. The Indiana Jones set is a dream for those of us how have suffered for years with grainy copies of "Raiders" that we got with $5 and a Happy Meal at McDonalds back in the mid-80's. The special features are well worth viewing but it is the movies that make this set well worth the price.

Our Best TV Show DVD of 2003 award goes to Family Guy for those who have seen this show consider yourself lucky since Fox pulled the plug on this brilliant animated series after only three seasons. While it was on they moved it around the schedule so much that even die-hard fans of the show weren't able to figure out what time it would be on from week to week. Well two years after it's cancellation "Family Guy" has found a new home on DVD and back on TV on the Cartoon Network. Lacking any great special features the episodes alone make either "Family Guy : Volume 1" (Seasons 1 and 2) or 2 (Season 3) a must buy for fans of the series or fans of "The Simpsons" and "South Park". Recently there has been some good news regarding the series, after great success and sales of DVD's "Family Guy" will be returning to TV shortly as creator Seth McFarlane has announced they are in negotiations with several stations battling to air new episodes of the series.

A favorite exclusive award here at The Void is our coveted Worst Critics of 2003 award which goes to the dregs of society, the absolute steaming pile of shit that give decent honorable movie reviewers a bad name, and our winner is, Wow it's a TIE between Harry Knowles http://www.aintitcool.com) and The Arrow (http://www.joblo.com/arrow). It takes a real special person to sell-out as a movie critic but these two take the cake and one of them eats it. Now honestly I do frequent both of their sites but I have in recent times begun to grasp the depths these two shameless self-promoters will go to whore themselves out to the public. Harry Knowles from Ain't It Cool News has appeared in a bunch of movies which I consider a "no-no", critics and movie makers should not fraternize. Either be an actor or a critic and never the twain shall meet. For example Knowles had a brief cameo in 2003's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" as a decapitated head and won't ya know, it got a positive review. Now he may have actually liked the movie but the cameo and the review add a hint of impropriety to the mix. As for Arrow, a guy that reviews almost exclusively horror movies, he tends to bring himself into each and every review he does, which tends to grate on the reader as time goes on. I for one don't really mind Arrow but was informed by a friend that if he met him, he would kick his ass for trying to act like a big shot badass. I had never really got that impression until I revisited the site keeping in mind my friends opinion and shit he was right. Since there are so many assfuckers that parade themselves around as knowledgeable critics I felt I needed to have some runners-up for this category and they are as follows...
Runner Up #1: DVD Reviewers from CHUD.com. I am sorry but adding nine hundred screen caps and adding terribly unfunny dialogue as captions is lame even though I bet they think it's fucking brilliant. It's really fucking sad when people with no sense of humor try to purport themselves as the Chris Rock's of the fucking Net, it's fucking pathetic.
Runner Up #2: Me, see I was trying to be like Arrow here and shamefully self-promote myself but you know what I do belong on this "Worst Critic" list because I didn't review too many movies because well A) I am lazy, B) I ain't getting paid for this shit and 3) My computer gets fucked more times than a Taiwanese hooker. It doesn't love me longtime.

Now for the bright side of things, our Best Critic of 2003 an award given to those who don't bend to pressure or self-promote, you know what we might as well skip this one because finding someone to fit this category would be about as easy as seeing a full music video on MTV from someone that has talent.

And now for the last grouping of awards for this evening or morning or afternoon, whenever you are reading this, the awards (some of them) that are also given out at the Oscars, you may notice that some of the winners of The Voidian Awards are not nominated by the esteemed Oscar voters but I couldn't give a shit so here we go...

The Best Song from a Movie award goes to Agent Provocateur for their song,"Red Tape" from "Underworld". You know what, this song wasn't even in the fucking movie, it was only in the trailer but it rocks so hard that I had to give it this award. C'mon it is miles better than any of the songs nominated for the Oscars like "You Will Be My Ain True Love" by Sting, dude Sting sucks. And what the fuck is "Ain" anyways?

Well I admit that Academy of Bullshit doesn't vote on the worst of anything but if they are willing to proclaim something to be the best they should have the balls to say something blew monkey nuts, right? Well I have the stones to do so in addition to lauding my accolades on the pinnacles of cinematic excellence I will also throw shame on those cinematic blunders and mistakes that fall by the wayside.

One such award is the Worst Song from a Movie award which I heartily bestow upon worthy recipients Nelly, P.Diddy and Murphy Lee for "Shake Ya Tailfeather" from "Bad Boys 2". First off I bet this will be the only award that "Bad Boys 2" will ever get at any awards show. Secondly this song sucks the biggest amount of dick imaginable and it swallows too. What a terrible song from a bunch of terrible rappers, and I was a fan of all of these guys at one time, no more though. It was bad enough that this song was even included in the soundtrack but it's lackluster beat was prevalent throughout the movie.

Back to the Ac-Tors as they are called in the biz, the Best Supporting Actor award results in a TIE between Ken Watanabe for "The Last Samurai" and Ian McKellen for "The Lord of the Rings : The Return of the King". As I watched Ken Watanabe in this movie I kept thinking to myself this guy can act his ass off and he is barely talking. I had to think it to myself since no one went to see this flick with me, thanks friends. Anyways I have heard about an actor being able to act without actually speaking or doing much of anything but this guy did it, it was amazing. As the last couple scenes flashed in front of my peepers I figured it out, it's his eyes, he is acting with his eyes. That is where his power is, he was eye-acting and it was phenomenal. As for Mr. Ian McKellen I am shocked that he was only nominated for his part as Gandalf in "Fellowship" but not the other two parts. In my opinion he was the acting MVP of the franchise and deserves this award.

And now for those lovely ladies I like to call baby, oh yeah (shoot me), the winner of the Best Supporting Actress is Miranda Otto for "The Lord of the Rings : The Return of the King". Let's add her to the long line of great Australian actors, she is strikingly beautiful and was the perfect choice for the role of Eowyn in "The Two Towers" and "The Return of the King". I had seen her in flicks before but really didn't know who she was or remember her, after "Return" I will look for her in her next outings because of her toughness, bravery and beauty onscreen.

Now it's time for the Best Actress of 2003 award and our winner is Charlize Theron for her role in "Monster". Ok let's see how I can justify this without taking up ten pages, she made me feel sorry for a real-life serial killer, good enough? Gaining 40 pounds and not looking anything like her fine self Charlize pulled off one of the more amazing chameleon acts in cinematic history. On top of her metamorphosis, her performance was out of this world, she was vile yet sad, a true "Monster" but also a sad human being. Charlize wins this award hands down and should be given the Oscar but early speculation has it going to Diane Keaton for some stupid fucking romantic comedy with Jack Nicholson, the Oscars are a fucking joke. If you have seen "Monster" and that happens then you have to admit that the Oscars suck.

On the flipside of that coin is the Worst Actress of 2003 who beyond a shadow of a doubt is Cameron Diaz. Her credits for this year are as follows : "Charlie's Angels : Full Throttle" and in the immortal words of Mel Blanc "that's all folks". The $20 million dollar per picture star stunk up the screen in the sequel to the equally shitty "Charlie's Angels". One can only hope that her psychic hold on people that convinces them that she is beautiful and talented breaks very soon because this chick can't fucking act her way out of a bad porno.

Now for the dudes, the Best Actor of 2003 is definitely Johnny Depp. Who would have thought the guy from "21 Jump Street" and "bed fountain" Freddy victim from "Nightmare on Elm Street" would be such a genius? Johnny Depp was absolutely brilliant in two movies this year, "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Once Upon a Time in Mexico", in both movies he owned the screen and made them better movies than they could have been without him. He created two incredibly interesting characters who stole the shows and entertained in every single frame he was in.

And the sadness that is the Worst Actor of 2k3 award goes to Keanu Reeves. Ugh, in the original "Matrix" we were able to ignore the fact that Keanu can't act and at least partially ignore it in "Reloaded". Unfortunately in the third act it became frighteningly apparent that Keanu sucks and that we have been handing over wads of money to watch a guy who should still be doing "Bill and Ted" movies. Watching the final act of the flick was almost a painful experience as Keanu stumbled over dialogue which was already stiff enough due to awful writing. Terrible dialogue plus terrible acting equals shitty movie.

The Best Director of 2003 has to be Peter Jackson for "Lord of the Rings : The Return of the King". Going into the "Fellowship of the Ring" I had never actually read any of the books for "LOTR" and had no interest in doing so, I had no vested interest in the movie besides just getting out of the house but watching the beautiful moving movie I was transformed immediately into a fan. 3 movies and 3 books later I am still astounded how flawlessly Jackson and his team pulled it off. Adapting these books seems like an impossible task, Tolkien describes things that are almost impossible to imagine because they are unlike anything anyone has ever seen but the LOTR team seemed to have a special insight into his mind and the images they came up with leap off of the page. 3 remarkable movies and as my friend Victor said the only thing that disappointed me about "Return of the King" is that there isn't another part coming out next year.

Now it is time for the award we have all waited breathlessly for (I hope not really because we would all be dead), the Movie of the Year awards. The Best Movie of 2003 award commemorates the absolute pure excellence in cinematic achievement, in other words, this is one badass motherfucking movie son. On the other hand the Worst Movie of 2003 commemorates a movie in which all the participants should be shot at close range with a bazooka. The Winners Are....DRUMROLL PLEASE...

FOR THE WORST PICTURE OF 2003 IT'S LOST IN TRANSLATION This movie sucked, plain and simple. I could not find one redeemable virtue in this horribly boring piece of trash. Incredibly this movie has had so much critical success, see what that says about critics? I ripped this movie to shreds in my review at The Void and upon a second attempt at viewing I think I went pretty fucking easy on it. I tried watching it again after reading how "moving" and "beautiful" this movie was and the only thing that was moving was my bowels and that sure ain't beautiful. This movie is the kind of shit that shallow, rich ignorant fucks who think that having to shoo bums away from their fucking Mercedes Benz is the worst fucking problem one could have in their lives. So fuck Sofia Coppola, Bill Murray and everyone who loved this movie, it sucked, deal with it assholes!!!

FOR THE BEST PICTURE OF 2003 IT"S THE LORD OF THE RINGS : THE RETURN OF THE KING What a beautiful, moving and powerful trilogy Peter Jackson put together. All 3 movies are equal in my mind, I loved each segment of the story and I anticipated this movie and was so anxious to see it that it would have been easy to come out disappointed but I was satisfied from the first frame until the last. All the people involved in the production of this movie should be commended for their flawless effort.

Hold on wait one second folks I am being told that we have a late recount between "The Return of the King" and a late entrant into the fray Governor Al Gore, wait that ain't right. Hey this is Florida I am writing from, this wouldn't be right without a little recount right? We have re-tabulated the vote and it seems that there is actually a TIE for the Best Picture of 2003 and the tying movie is Mystic River. While I enjoyed "The Return of the King" more than this movie, "Mystic River" left me with a much more lasting impression which leads me to declare these movies equal. For anyone that has lost anyone close to them this movie hits very close to home, it is almost a painful reminder watching Sean Penn deal with grief and while he isn't the good guy we'd like him to be you understand his motivations. Clint Eastwood is an amazing director, if he keeps up this standard he may be remembered more for his directorial prowess than his acting. The cast from top to bottom was amazing, the sets were dreary but fit the story like a glove and the way the movie was shot you feel like you are a voyeur into a very private world. This movie touched me, saddened me and left me speechless.

Well that it's for the The Voidian Awards for the Excellence in Flickdom for 2000 and Motherfuckin' 3 !!!! I hope you had as much of a good time as I did callusing my fingers typing this shit out. For The Void I am Robb and you are welcome and honored to be in my presence once again...Goodnight and Good Luck!!! See you at the movies, beeyatch.

Disclaimer : Obviously I did not get to see every movie this year these are the movies that I have not yet seen but if I have may have impacted this list : Master and Commander, Seabiscuit, House of Sand and Fog, Swimming Pool, 21 Grams, Finding Nemo, Matchstick Men, Bend it like Beckham, Cold Mountain, The Missing, Intolerable Cruelty, My Life Without Me.

Disclaimer #2 : While these awards are fictional they represent something much more than a bored guy's opinions on cinema, they represent the fact that I am right and everyone else is wrong and my opinion is the only one that matters. You should all listen to me because I am smart and you are all worthless peasants. Fuck all of you, each and every one of you can lick my balls.

Disclaimer #3 : I really didn't mean that, I was just relishing in my right to free speech and seeing exactly how stupid you people are, I just wanted to see if anyone is still reading this, so if you are cool because you are something really cool. You are my puppet, you will keep reading as long as I decide to keep typing won't you, won't you bitch. Dance, dance little puppet...

Disclaimer #4 : I apologize I didn't mean any of the past two disclaimers, I am just messing with you.

Disclaimer #5 : No,I'm not, you are still reading, see you are my puppet. Mwa-ha-ha-ha, Dance Puppet Dance!!!

Got something to say, email me at RobbisWAR@aol.com